The Nightmare Before 130p (today)
by Woodrow Brian Taylor
'Twas the nightmare before 130p, when all through my cube
Not a coworker was stirring, not even the hockey rube;
The business was hung by the market with care,
In hopes that investment bankers soon would be there;
(I thought) my children at home were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar donuts danced in their heads;
And mamma in her chair, halfway to a nap,
Had just settled down for an Oprah recap,
When out on my cell there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the cube to see what was the matter.
Away from the office I flew like a loon,
To free up my toddler who'd locked himself in the bathroom.
He's 3 and diabetic, just so you know,
I had to get home before his blood sugars went low,
When, what to my wondering ears should appear,
But 47 "where are you!" calls from my baby, my dear,
I'm quite a driver, so lively and quick,
I said in a moment "Just relax, chick!."
More rapid than monkeys into my house I came,
And i whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, crowbar! now, Drill! now, Dremel and hammer!
On, duct tape! on nail punch! on, wonder bar and stud scanner!
To the top of the stairs! to the front of the door!
Get out of my way, woman, get out of the hall!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the door frame my tools they did flew,
Scaring the crap out of my kids, and my good wife too.
And then, like a twinkling, I heard a happy scream,
The prancing of my toddler in expensive facial cream.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
As the Dremel cut-out tool dug in with a sound.
The toddler's clothes were all tarnished with tears and soot;
He'd bundled into the tub and was lying on his back,
And he looked like a lineman just kicked in the sack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his tears were so scary!
His cheeks were like roses, his wails were like Jerry's :lol:!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And at least six months of potty training were added, I know;
The trauma of the event will cost me, I'd reckon
$7,500 in therapy sessions;
By now, dear reader, you may have some questions,
Why such dramatic means done with MacGyver-ish inflection?
You must understand that our modern additions,
Like safetly locks are rare in 80-year-old Tudor homes even in great condition;
The door had no access, the lock, it was dead,
Soon let me to know I had no devices but the "lead,"
I spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
To keep my house calm, and not be a jerk,
My beautiful, antique bathroom door's been deposed,
A nice hole is now there, in the shape of a rose;
My task complete, I laid down the boys,
And now (230p) they sleep with a minimum of noise.
So hear me explain, ere I post out of sight:
"Happy Wednesday to all, and to all fathers, a good-life!."