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5,548 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Got this off of one of the Yahoo groups I lurk on... :)


Does it seem like every time you try and post a question or comment to a dog list, you get yourself into trouble? If so, then this list is for you. If you religiously follow all of the rules on this Official DON'T list, you'll never get in trouble again.

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression problems down the road.
DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another word for small cage.
DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep them warm.
DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him all the time.
DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.
DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.
DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust.
DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all the nutrients.
DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
DON'T feed your dog, fasting is good for them.
DON'T fast your dog, when you feed them again, it will cause bloat.
DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink.
DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little opinions.
DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.
DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.
DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke.
DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could run away without any identification.
DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.
DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.
DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states.
DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B."
DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints.
DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.
DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems.
DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't!
DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.
DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.

AND, the #1 DON'T ....

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat.

2,973 Posts
I am convinced that the ideal NEW working dog owner would need to:

1. Have 20-30 years experience in breeding, training, and handling dogs (note you have not got the dog yet), and come from at least four generations of breeder/trainer/handlers;

2. Never leave the house, which presumably is remotely located out of earshot of other dogs, and absolutely away from other humans (your dog must be socialized, though), and on no less than 500 acres of land;

3. Never let the dog enjoy (only tolerate) any experiences with anyone or anything other than you, the notion of a puppy interacting with a kid is tantamount to wanting the terrorists to win;

4. Exercise the dog constantly, throughout the day, but only on semi-cooled fields of 12-inch thick oatmeal to protect those hips; (I love Caser Milan but my favorite part of his book is where he talks about the killer Presas needing 4-6 hours a day of structured work activity);

5. Have telepathy because of the mystical bond that only telepaths can have with their dogs

...and so on. It's kind of funny. I'm at the point now where I don't think owners whose lives are not 100% dog should have a dog. That includes me. Bad week. ;-)

2,973 Posts
So let me know if you meet the criteria above, I have a great GSD who would love to meet you. Except, you can't meet her. Keeping her away from people, per #3. She photographs well, PM me if you want pics.

635 Posts
Jeez, y'all..... about surreal BS...

How's this...
IDEAL PET DAWG OWNER (remove "excessively" and exchange for "at all" for a WORKING DOG owner):
1) Not excessively stupid.
2) Not excessively sentimental.
3) Not excessively poor.
4) Not excessively illiterate.
5) Not excessively irresponsible.
6) Not excessively undisciplined.

...and saving the best for last...

7) Not excessively phat.

217 Posts
a few forgotten.......

Don't feed your dog raw food, it will cause them to be too aggressive.

Don't have a working dog just because you love them, you MUST, MUST work them in a specific manner to be a deserving owner.

35 Posts
ann freier said:
i'm feeling REALLY conflicted now....must go find meds....any meds.... :wink:
And...just to clarify...

If you are a pet dog owner, the meds are for the dog, right?

If you are a working dog owner, the meds are for you, right?

Since I'm one of those folks without 20 -30 years experience as a breeder/trainer/handler/poop scooper/dog walker, etc. - I want to make sure I'VE got it right.


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